Probably once a week, I get some sort of inspiration to write. I hear a great quote. I’m chatting with a friend. I see some article on Twitter that makes me want to share and use this platform so my ideas can reach a broader an audience. I even go as far as to write little notes to myself and write an actual paragraph on topic. But then I end up doing nothing and place this blog back on the back burner. I’ve stopped writing and it’s been bigger than simply not having any ideas.
I realized I became preoccupied with the numbers. In the age of social media, you can’t help but think in likes, clicks, and retweets. How many people are actively consuming what I am putting out into the world? I began checking daily how many clicks and how many visitors and where they were coming from. Though my day was not ruined from the lack of interest, I wanted more consistent growth. It caused me to wonder if what I create has less importance because I do not have those stats. I wasn’t expecting to have thousands of people reading what I had to say, but at the same time I wanted more and felt a little disappointed and discouraged. I didn’t think I would care, but yet, I found myself preoccupied.
Lastly, I am filled with self-doubt. This is probably the biggest thing holding me back. After thinking of some idea, I immediately think “who would even care to read this?” and I stop. I felt like I wasn’t talking about anything new and grand on the internet where everyone wants to share their two-cents. My life isn’t any more exciting than the usual 20-something, so why take the time and end up feeling disappointed. What furthered these feelings of self-doubt was what felt like a lack of support from my circle. My friends and family weren’t reading what I had to say. They weren’t sharing my links. I felt alone and like I was talking to no one. In the words of Evelyn from the Internets, your circle supports you in other ways and you should recognize and appreciate those other ways. But at the same time, everyone wants a pat on the back and the opinions from those whom they care about.
Though I understand what has stopped me in the past, I am not here to make a promise to create more consistently. Rather, I’m proud of even writing this and recognizing these setbacks. Creating something with the intention of sharing with the world is terrifying and is a journey of self-realization when it comes to determining what you consider success and acceptance of maybe not performing.
And to my fellow inconsistent creators, I see you and I’m proud of you for even taking the first steps to put something out there in the world.